I've been struggling with something lately and i don't know how to take care of it. All of my life this has been somewhat of an issue but i've always been able to come out on top i guess. This may seem stupid, but this has bitten me in the ass way to many times.
I'm to nice. Sad, huh? haha
I tend to put my feelings and emotions on the backburner when other people are involved, and because of all of the wedding planning i've been going through, i've discovered that it can actually become a problem. I can't really go into details because i'm not sure who reads this.... but i put a lot of love into picking certain people to be in my wedding and they aren't reciprocating. ( Well, only one of them isn't). This person has screwed me over 3 times now, and each time i just keep thinking it was because they were to busy or really did have something better to do. But now i realize that ever since we were children i've put more into our relationship than she has, and that is how it currently is. I guess i'm stuck in thinking that she cares as much about me as i do her.... since i've always looked up to her.
So here is my dilemma .... do i finally learn how to stick up for myself and tell this person that she needs to either start being involved? .... or that maybe it's better that she isn't in it. See...my normal way of handling this would be to let it slide and just let it play out while my feelings get hurt, because i don't want to upset the other person. I don't want them to think of me as a bad individual and that i ruined our relationship. Now that i write this i can see how irrational that sounds, but i've always been this way.
So i guess this is more of a rant, but i ( simply put) don't know how to be mean, lol. I guess i've always put out so much more for my friends, and when i finally ask for them to be there for me, i can tell which ones really care about me and which ones are just there because they've been there for 20+ years.
I know everyone just says to just do it and i'll be happy afterwards, i just don't know how to make that first step and how to communicate this to them without being rude.
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4 comments:
Well I think this is hard but this is also not a normal situation. If it were an everyday thing, work, school, whatever then I would say let it slide. In this case, your wedding, I say it's okay to be a little "selfish" even though there is nothing selfish about wanting to have a happy wedding. Just tell the person I am so happy that we are friends but I think I am going to have so and so in the wedding because she is able to commit more time. Then you can give this person a different job so they are still part of it. If she is really your friend she will understand, if she gives you are hard time then maybe that says something about your friendship. Weddings are stressful enough without having to worry if people will get their dress, show for fittings, whatever the issue is. Just think happy thoughts. I am sure this will be something that you look back on and laugh about :)
i had the same problem with a friend. she always had something better to do-she'd make plans with me and 5 other ppl and see which one either flaked on HER or which one sounded better. i just straight up told her-i know you're make plans with other ppl after u make em with me and i'd wish you didnt do that because it makes it seem like you dont care about me. if this person's a true friend she'll take it in and understand how you're feeling and atleast say she'll work on it and try not to do it again.
maybe tell her that u feel like a convienent friend..only want me around when everyone's flaking.
You need to talk to her. I agree that you have a right to be a little "selfish" about your wedding, but the most diplomatic way about all this would be to talk to her. Flaking and being noncommital are just parts of some people's personalities, but it should be addressed because it is never excusable. If you don't talk to her first, but still choose a more committed friend for the wedding, it could be viewed as passive aggressive. This could lead to her being unsure of your intentions in the future--even if you are being nice to her after the wedding, she might think you have a different motive. You should, however, make up your mind before talking to her about who you want to choose...if you talk to her before you make up your own mind, you might end up asking her to be in it as an "I'm sorry for confronting you," etc.
If she gets mad at you for talking to her or thinks your are being mean, she clearly has absolutely no idea who you are! :)
it's your wedding. it's your day. if she's not putting in any effort, then there's nothing wrong with letting her know that you think it'd be best if she's not in your wedding.
as you know, i'm not as diplomatic as you are, (BLUNT & OBNOXIOUS might be better terms) but you should stick up for yourself. better to have it out than spend your time resenting her.
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