Anxiety and Paxil

Today i'm not really feeling well; I'm having a bad anxiety day and i have no idea why. This is what prompted me to write this blog .... the reason why i used to be on Paxil and how some people really do need anti-depressents to help them function.

During my Sophomore year in highschool, my English teacher ( also a family friend) noticed that while taking tests, i would start to shake and just stare at the walls about half way through the test. Apparently I did this enough where she decided to let my parents know, and they kept it in the back of their heads and watched me more. I personally don't remember doing these things, but I do remember all of a sudden during a test blanking on everything i studied... and not being able to finish the test.

During my Freshman and Sophomore years ..... I was on the Varsity Softball Team. I held one of the highest batting averages in the area, took most of the Senior and Junior's spots on the field, and was an overall great player. Once the end of my Sophomore year came around, I realized that I suddenly lost the ability to play Softball like i once had; I would swing at things above my head, run to get a ball in the outfield and drop my glove looking like an idiot because my brain was so boggled, and i basically became a bench warmer. Because of this I felt socially awkward, and I couldn't explain to anyone why my abilities started to disappear.

My mom decided to take me to her doctor, and i described to him little odd things that i had been feeling, but i obviously never had thought of as a problem. He diagnosed me with Social Anxiety.

I began to put things together, and i realized that the things that my doctor had said i would experience with Social Anxiety i had been experiencing all alone.... i just thought it was normal, especially with all the different emotions and things one goes through while in highschool.

Little weird things would happen to me..... I would go out to the movies, and in the middle of the movie i would start to experience feelings like i was having a heart attack. Or when i was out to dinner, i'd be in mid conversation and all of a sudden i would get hot in my neck and want to throw up.

My body and brain were missing parts ( or a chemical imbalance, although i like the term " missing parts" it's kind of more fun, haha) and my brain sometimes couldn't handle a situation like a normal person would. I didn't have that little extra something that coated a nerve to help out a situation.

So after about 6 years on Paxil, i decided to go off about a 1 year ago. I'm doing so much better now.... but it really is hard feeling emotions compared to before. Being on Paxil always made me such a happy bubbily person, I had more patience than the average person ( which was great for working at Starbucks) but I was also numb to a lot of things that I didn't realize, like emotional pain and frustration, etc.

So to get to my point, I still really bad days, such as today. I got home from a get together around 3, and for some reason couldn't fall asleep. I got about 1/2 an hour of sleep, and i've been semi-shaking for most of the day. I have a ball of anxiety located between my ribs, that i just want to blink and have disappear. I try to breathe deeply and hope it removes itself, but it still stays there. I read, watch t.v., think of something happy so I smile ( like my wedding coming up!), but that ball is still there.

I don't believe i'll ever go back on Paxil, but there are defintitely days where i feel i need it. But i've come to terms that it's okay if you need a medication to get you through the day. We all aren't created equal .... and neither are our chemicals, haha.