End of the semester!!!

Today was my last final of my first semester at CSULB!!! Now I am just in Arizona with my Mom, Brother & Stepdad relaxing and calming all the jitters before the holidays. I hope everyone has a great weekend :)

Thoughts

You have to believe in yourself and trust yourself
know your body and know your feelings
just know that things happen for a reason
and they are all learning experiences

honesty is the key to love for others and love for yourself

Anxiety and Paxil

Today i'm not really feeling well; I'm having a bad anxiety day and i have no idea why. This is what prompted me to write this blog .... the reason why i used to be on Paxil and how some people really do need anti-depressents to help them function.

During my Sophomore year in highschool, my English teacher ( also a family friend) noticed that while taking tests, i would start to shake and just stare at the walls about half way through the test. Apparently I did this enough where she decided to let my parents know, and they kept it in the back of their heads and watched me more. I personally don't remember doing these things, but I do remember all of a sudden during a test blanking on everything i studied... and not being able to finish the test.

During my Freshman and Sophomore years ..... I was on the Varsity Softball Team. I held one of the highest batting averages in the area, took most of the Senior and Junior's spots on the field, and was an overall great player. Once the end of my Sophomore year came around, I realized that I suddenly lost the ability to play Softball like i once had; I would swing at things above my head, run to get a ball in the outfield and drop my glove looking like an idiot because my brain was so boggled, and i basically became a bench warmer. Because of this I felt socially awkward, and I couldn't explain to anyone why my abilities started to disappear.

My mom decided to take me to her doctor, and i described to him little odd things that i had been feeling, but i obviously never had thought of as a problem. He diagnosed me with Social Anxiety.

I began to put things together, and i realized that the things that my doctor had said i would experience with Social Anxiety i had been experiencing all alone.... i just thought it was normal, especially with all the different emotions and things one goes through while in highschool.

Little weird things would happen to me..... I would go out to the movies, and in the middle of the movie i would start to experience feelings like i was having a heart attack. Or when i was out to dinner, i'd be in mid conversation and all of a sudden i would get hot in my neck and want to throw up.

My body and brain were missing parts ( or a chemical imbalance, although i like the term " missing parts" it's kind of more fun, haha) and my brain sometimes couldn't handle a situation like a normal person would. I didn't have that little extra something that coated a nerve to help out a situation.

So after about 6 years on Paxil, i decided to go off about a 1 year ago. I'm doing so much better now.... but it really is hard feeling emotions compared to before. Being on Paxil always made me such a happy bubbily person, I had more patience than the average person ( which was great for working at Starbucks) but I was also numb to a lot of things that I didn't realize, like emotional pain and frustration, etc.

So to get to my point, I still really bad days, such as today. I got home from a get together around 3, and for some reason couldn't fall asleep. I got about 1/2 an hour of sleep, and i've been semi-shaking for most of the day. I have a ball of anxiety located between my ribs, that i just want to blink and have disappear. I try to breathe deeply and hope it removes itself, but it still stays there. I read, watch t.v., think of something happy so I smile ( like my wedding coming up!), but that ball is still there.

I don't believe i'll ever go back on Paxil, but there are defintitely days where i feel i need it. But i've come to terms that it's okay if you need a medication to get you through the day. We all aren't created equal .... and neither are our chemicals, haha.

Inspiration Board Attempt #1

So lately with all this wedding stuff, I've been keeping up with a lot of websites that I have truly come to love, and one of them is www.stylemepretty.com

Inspiration boards are a feature on a lot of wedding websites these days, and I have made an attempt of my own featuring colors and styles that I would love on my wedding day .... I'm sure there will be many more to follow with how many ideas keep coming and going through my mind!

San Francisco

During Thanksgiving weekend, my Dad, Brother, Kevin and I went to San Francisco for a little getaway. SF was probably my first real big "city" experience; using all types of transportation except cars, walking everywhere and battling it out on the sidewalks, and having the fun of looking things up on maps to see where restaurants were and such. I loved SF, it's become my new little obsession. It's a place that i feel like i would love to live in for a year to just soak up that culture.


On Thursday ( Thanksgiving) morning, Kevin and I woke up around 8am and began our drive to SF. We got there around 4pm, and went into our hotel room at the King George Hotel located in the Union District ( aka shopping area). Our room was SO tiny. There was a wall, and then a bedside table, then the bed, then another bedside table, and then the wall. I think it was all of 8x8 at the most. Then there was a sliding door that led to the bathroom, which itself was about 6x6. So we hung out in there a lot cause it felt like another room! We then went to dinner at Blue Crush, with my Dad and Brother, and then with two family friends and their families who were also visiting SF for the holidays. After a nice expensive dinner, we walked around the area. We got onto the Trolley and headed for Fisherman's Wharf. It was dark and we were all tired, so we didn't stay for to long. Because it was dark we couldn't see all sea lions at Pier 39, so we knew we would go back later on in the weekend. For the first time in my life, I saw steam coming out of the grates in the ground! I felt like a little kid, I was all giddy and awestruck. I get excited at odd things...
Total miles walked in that day: About 2.




Friday morning we awoke and went to breakfast with my Dad and Bro. They took us to this place called Dotties. Dotties was a very small diner, and we had to wait in a line for 30 minutes outside to just get seated. Of course while standing outside, we had our fun encounters with the homeless people and one man proclaiming that he saw Kevin in a movie the previous night, lol. After our breakfast, Kevin and I got some shopping done. It was " black friday," and it was insane. We didn't really last long, so after this we headed over to the Exploratorium which is an awesome hands on science museum/center. We had so much fun looking around inside, and then outside was another story. It was gorgeous, amazing, beautiful; anything that you think you would see if you went to Europe or something. There were gorgeous statues and buildings, and my brother went climbing and posed with some things that we probably could of gotten kicked out for :) haha.


We then walked over to the Italian District, where we went to Pomodoros. This was a really good Italian place that Wayne Brady actually owns. After this, we got lost in search for a gelato place.... which lead us into the Chinese District. Good lord, i felt like i really was in China. It's amazing how segregated SF is with it's different districts, and how people of different cultures really only stay in those certain areas. So after walking about 2 miles, we found ourselves back in the Italian district and got our ice cream. After this, my Dad thought it would be fun ( and funny) to watch us hike up Lombard St. This is the famous street that is known as the " windiest street in the world." After hiking up that, i figured i was going to die soon so we headed back to the hotel. Total miles walked in that day: around 5.

On Saturday, we woke up around 10am and then got breakfast ( another place where we stood in a line outside for about 20 minutes). We got into our car and drove across the Golden Gate Bridge to a place called Muir Woods. We went on a hike that was amazing; a bunch of redwood trees, and we also saw these creepy bannana slugs ( or at least thats what we assumed they were). We hiked about 3 miles before heading back to our car, once again exhausted. The boys also helped a guy push his car back up the mountain when he accidentally went over the edge.
That remained the fun joke of the day, haha.
Total miles walked that day: around 4


Sunday I wanted to finish some shopping, since i couldn't do it on Friday cause of all the crowds. My dad and brother had already left on their flights back since my brother needed to return to AZ. So kevin and i were able to enjoy some time together, and we went back to Pier 39 to see the Sea Lions. We ate at Boudin's Bakery for lunch; they are known for their famous bread bowls. So we had one full of Chili and were in heaven.

So all in all, it was an amazing weekend. We walked SO much, but it also felt really good to be out and about. I want to go back so badly one day, and experience more areas and what not. It was a really good Thanksgiving weekend. I like this idea of traveling with family on Thanksgiving. It's hard these days to keep close with family with everyone's schedules, and this is a really fun and good idea to keep everyone together and have fun. I got some nice and dorky souvenirs.... a Starbucks SF mug, and a cute little Christmas ornament shaped as a classic SF style home. So i'm happy :)