End of the semester!!!

Today was my last final of my first semester at CSULB!!! Now I am just in Arizona with my Mom, Brother & Stepdad relaxing and calming all the jitters before the holidays. I hope everyone has a great weekend :)

Thoughts

You have to believe in yourself and trust yourself
know your body and know your feelings
just know that things happen for a reason
and they are all learning experiences

honesty is the key to love for others and love for yourself

Anxiety and Paxil

Today i'm not really feeling well; I'm having a bad anxiety day and i have no idea why. This is what prompted me to write this blog .... the reason why i used to be on Paxil and how some people really do need anti-depressents to help them function.

During my Sophomore year in highschool, my English teacher ( also a family friend) noticed that while taking tests, i would start to shake and just stare at the walls about half way through the test. Apparently I did this enough where she decided to let my parents know, and they kept it in the back of their heads and watched me more. I personally don't remember doing these things, but I do remember all of a sudden during a test blanking on everything i studied... and not being able to finish the test.

During my Freshman and Sophomore years ..... I was on the Varsity Softball Team. I held one of the highest batting averages in the area, took most of the Senior and Junior's spots on the field, and was an overall great player. Once the end of my Sophomore year came around, I realized that I suddenly lost the ability to play Softball like i once had; I would swing at things above my head, run to get a ball in the outfield and drop my glove looking like an idiot because my brain was so boggled, and i basically became a bench warmer. Because of this I felt socially awkward, and I couldn't explain to anyone why my abilities started to disappear.

My mom decided to take me to her doctor, and i described to him little odd things that i had been feeling, but i obviously never had thought of as a problem. He diagnosed me with Social Anxiety.

I began to put things together, and i realized that the things that my doctor had said i would experience with Social Anxiety i had been experiencing all alone.... i just thought it was normal, especially with all the different emotions and things one goes through while in highschool.

Little weird things would happen to me..... I would go out to the movies, and in the middle of the movie i would start to experience feelings like i was having a heart attack. Or when i was out to dinner, i'd be in mid conversation and all of a sudden i would get hot in my neck and want to throw up.

My body and brain were missing parts ( or a chemical imbalance, although i like the term " missing parts" it's kind of more fun, haha) and my brain sometimes couldn't handle a situation like a normal person would. I didn't have that little extra something that coated a nerve to help out a situation.

So after about 6 years on Paxil, i decided to go off about a 1 year ago. I'm doing so much better now.... but it really is hard feeling emotions compared to before. Being on Paxil always made me such a happy bubbily person, I had more patience than the average person ( which was great for working at Starbucks) but I was also numb to a lot of things that I didn't realize, like emotional pain and frustration, etc.

So to get to my point, I still really bad days, such as today. I got home from a get together around 3, and for some reason couldn't fall asleep. I got about 1/2 an hour of sleep, and i've been semi-shaking for most of the day. I have a ball of anxiety located between my ribs, that i just want to blink and have disappear. I try to breathe deeply and hope it removes itself, but it still stays there. I read, watch t.v., think of something happy so I smile ( like my wedding coming up!), but that ball is still there.

I don't believe i'll ever go back on Paxil, but there are defintitely days where i feel i need it. But i've come to terms that it's okay if you need a medication to get you through the day. We all aren't created equal .... and neither are our chemicals, haha.

Inspiration Board Attempt #1

So lately with all this wedding stuff, I've been keeping up with a lot of websites that I have truly come to love, and one of them is www.stylemepretty.com

Inspiration boards are a feature on a lot of wedding websites these days, and I have made an attempt of my own featuring colors and styles that I would love on my wedding day .... I'm sure there will be many more to follow with how many ideas keep coming and going through my mind!

San Francisco

During Thanksgiving weekend, my Dad, Brother, Kevin and I went to San Francisco for a little getaway. SF was probably my first real big "city" experience; using all types of transportation except cars, walking everywhere and battling it out on the sidewalks, and having the fun of looking things up on maps to see where restaurants were and such. I loved SF, it's become my new little obsession. It's a place that i feel like i would love to live in for a year to just soak up that culture.


On Thursday ( Thanksgiving) morning, Kevin and I woke up around 8am and began our drive to SF. We got there around 4pm, and went into our hotel room at the King George Hotel located in the Union District ( aka shopping area). Our room was SO tiny. There was a wall, and then a bedside table, then the bed, then another bedside table, and then the wall. I think it was all of 8x8 at the most. Then there was a sliding door that led to the bathroom, which itself was about 6x6. So we hung out in there a lot cause it felt like another room! We then went to dinner at Blue Crush, with my Dad and Brother, and then with two family friends and their families who were also visiting SF for the holidays. After a nice expensive dinner, we walked around the area. We got onto the Trolley and headed for Fisherman's Wharf. It was dark and we were all tired, so we didn't stay for to long. Because it was dark we couldn't see all sea lions at Pier 39, so we knew we would go back later on in the weekend. For the first time in my life, I saw steam coming out of the grates in the ground! I felt like a little kid, I was all giddy and awestruck. I get excited at odd things...
Total miles walked in that day: About 2.




Friday morning we awoke and went to breakfast with my Dad and Bro. They took us to this place called Dotties. Dotties was a very small diner, and we had to wait in a line for 30 minutes outside to just get seated. Of course while standing outside, we had our fun encounters with the homeless people and one man proclaiming that he saw Kevin in a movie the previous night, lol. After our breakfast, Kevin and I got some shopping done. It was " black friday," and it was insane. We didn't really last long, so after this we headed over to the Exploratorium which is an awesome hands on science museum/center. We had so much fun looking around inside, and then outside was another story. It was gorgeous, amazing, beautiful; anything that you think you would see if you went to Europe or something. There were gorgeous statues and buildings, and my brother went climbing and posed with some things that we probably could of gotten kicked out for :) haha.


We then walked over to the Italian District, where we went to Pomodoros. This was a really good Italian place that Wayne Brady actually owns. After this, we got lost in search for a gelato place.... which lead us into the Chinese District. Good lord, i felt like i really was in China. It's amazing how segregated SF is with it's different districts, and how people of different cultures really only stay in those certain areas. So after walking about 2 miles, we found ourselves back in the Italian district and got our ice cream. After this, my Dad thought it would be fun ( and funny) to watch us hike up Lombard St. This is the famous street that is known as the " windiest street in the world." After hiking up that, i figured i was going to die soon so we headed back to the hotel. Total miles walked in that day: around 5.

On Saturday, we woke up around 10am and then got breakfast ( another place where we stood in a line outside for about 20 minutes). We got into our car and drove across the Golden Gate Bridge to a place called Muir Woods. We went on a hike that was amazing; a bunch of redwood trees, and we also saw these creepy bannana slugs ( or at least thats what we assumed they were). We hiked about 3 miles before heading back to our car, once again exhausted. The boys also helped a guy push his car back up the mountain when he accidentally went over the edge.
That remained the fun joke of the day, haha.
Total miles walked that day: around 4


Sunday I wanted to finish some shopping, since i couldn't do it on Friday cause of all the crowds. My dad and brother had already left on their flights back since my brother needed to return to AZ. So kevin and i were able to enjoy some time together, and we went back to Pier 39 to see the Sea Lions. We ate at Boudin's Bakery for lunch; they are known for their famous bread bowls. So we had one full of Chili and were in heaven.

So all in all, it was an amazing weekend. We walked SO much, but it also felt really good to be out and about. I want to go back so badly one day, and experience more areas and what not. It was a really good Thanksgiving weekend. I like this idea of traveling with family on Thanksgiving. It's hard these days to keep close with family with everyone's schedules, and this is a really fun and good idea to keep everyone together and have fun. I got some nice and dorky souvenirs.... a Starbucks SF mug, and a cute little Christmas ornament shaped as a classic SF style home. So i'm happy :)

Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman did a wonderful video for The New York Times and just answers simple questions and talks about life. After watching this, i asked myself the same questions. See if you have the urge to do the same.

Anniversary

Happy 8 year anniversary to Kevin and I :) If you would of told me when i was 15 that kevin and i would still of been together 8 years later, i couldn't describe the happy look that i would of had on my face :) Maybe something like a 6 year old girl at her first disney princess movie?

Hajijiba?

This is how i feel about picking up my wedding dress today :

fjksfjadksfjdsklfjadsklfjdsklfjasdkfjdsgfhaghkdghiagkajfgksafj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's sitting in my father's closet...... I want to wear it every night while sitting on the couch and watching t.v. or playing computer games.

Sorry, i'm just a tad excited. It was more gorgeous today then the day i tried it on.

I heart my dress, the end.

YAY!!! FINALLY!

The trailer for " The Other Boleyn Girl" ..... one of my favorite books of all time, i was scared this movie was going to be a disappointment .... but this trailer has completely proved otherwise ... the countdown begins! :)


Trailer

Christie 101

I like to eat ice cream while watching The Biggest Loser.
I rule.

Wedding Website

Kevin and I's wedding website is back up and in action again :) It will be on the save the date cards which will be coming out soon..... but for now have fun looking at it :)

http://wrightnardoniwedding.com

Politics

So, i don't normally dabble in politics. I don't like the anger that it can bring out in people, and i feel that people can sometimes become to blindsided about what others think that they can't properly think for themselves.

Today i was listening to talk radio.... and they were talking about an incident that happened this last week with Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton and her campaign managers, etc. were on the road and stopped in Ohio (or possibly Utah... i always get those two confused for some reason). Before stopping at a local diner, Hillary's campaign people warned this diner that they would be bringing Hillary and many other top notch people, so be prepared. Once at the diner, Hillary spoke to a waitress that worked there, and listened to her story. It was a normal story of a single mother of two who was having to work two jobs in order to properly feed and support her children that she loved so dearly. Hillary was so touched by this story, that later on in the day on her campaign trail she re-told this story of this women she met, focusing on the financial hardships that people in America sometimes have to go through in order to survive.

Because the manager of the diner knew ahead of time Hillary and her team were arriving, he decided to comp all of their meals. Very, very nice of him. Especially for the fact that Hillary probably comes in tow with 10+ people.

So where is the problem? Hillary, nor anyone else in her whole campaign, tipped ANYONE inside that diner. Their whole meal was comped, Hillary had been "touched" by this women's story of her hardships of not earning enough money, and THEY DIDN'T LEAVE A SINGLE PENNY.

I'm not going to say much more..... cause i'm sure you all can guess my opinion on this. But i wanted to share...... I'm not saying this will or won't make me vote for Hillary (i still have yet to declare who i would vote for) but i think small stories like this make a huge difference and really show a person's true character.

Eeek

My wedding dress has arrived.. now i just have to finish paying for it and go pick it up. The bridesmaid gowns are almost ordered ( waiting for one more girl) and today kevin and i bought our save the date cards. This is becoming more realistic and freaky!! I'm so excited, but also so nervous. Eeek!

For all you guitar hero fans.....

holy crap .....

Peace or War?

I've been struggling with something lately and i don't know how to take care of it. All of my life this has been somewhat of an issue but i've always been able to come out on top i guess. This may seem stupid, but this has bitten me in the ass way to many times.

I'm to nice. Sad, huh? haha

I tend to put my feelings and emotions on the backburner when other people are involved, and because of all of the wedding planning i've been going through, i've discovered that it can actually become a problem. I can't really go into details because i'm not sure who reads this.... but i put a lot of love into picking certain people to be in my wedding and they aren't reciprocating. ( Well, only one of them isn't). This person has screwed me over 3 times now, and each time i just keep thinking it was because they were to busy or really did have something better to do. But now i realize that ever since we were children i've put more into our relationship than she has, and that is how it currently is. I guess i'm stuck in thinking that she cares as much about me as i do her.... since i've always looked up to her.

So here is my dilemma .... do i finally learn how to stick up for myself and tell this person that she needs to either start being involved? .... or that maybe it's better that she isn't in it. See...my normal way of handling this would be to let it slide and just let it play out while my feelings get hurt, because i don't want to upset the other person. I don't want them to think of me as a bad individual and that i ruined our relationship. Now that i write this i can see how irrational that sounds, but i've always been this way.

So i guess this is more of a rant, but i ( simply put) don't know how to be mean, lol. I guess i've always put out so much more for my friends, and when i finally ask for them to be there for me, i can tell which ones really care about me and which ones are just there because they've been there for 20+ years.
I know everyone just says to just do it and i'll be happy afterwards, i just don't know how to make that first step and how to communicate this to them without being rude.

Guitar Heroes!!

Kevin and I have purchased Guitar Hero III for the Wii. We now have no life, thanks! :)

What a FUN game, plus it's fun to listen to each other play it cause there is now constantly good music playing in our apartment. I smell a Wii party coming on....

Creativity

So i've found this new website, and i'm totally obsessed. It's called www.moo.com
and you can make your own postcards, stickers, cards, etc. You can either use their designs that they have from various fun designers, or you can upload your own photos or designs and use them. They aren't that expensive either.... 20 postcards or cards for 20$. I spent so much time having fun looking around on this site, you guys should check it out if your in a creative mood :)

Philosophy

Food for thought:

When it comes to love you need not fall but rather surrender.
Surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another.
You must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and
most importantly you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws
of another

" Killing our children"

I titled this blog to a term that i heard on Oprah the other day. I've seen this title before, on the TLC show " Honey we are killing our kids." Honestly this phrase scares me, but i am one of the people who believe it to be true. Physical activity has become non-existent in peoples homes, and they have no one to blame but themselves. Sure, we could blame television, videogames and computers, but it all still falls back to people in their own homes, making the daily decisions that they do. All of these electronics have become babysitters for parents, making parents jobs easier. So why shouldn't they just put their kids in front of that television while they can catch up on their emails?

When watching Oprah's show yesterday, i was just so thrilled that she was speaking out about this. Of course many people do.... but we all know how powerful Oprah's praise is! haha. In a discussion, she asked the audience members " How many of you used to walk home from school?" About 75% raised their hands. Then she asked, " How many of your children walk home from school?" Only 1 PERSON raised their hand. Out of what, 300 audience members? I know that it's more dangerous now for children to walk home with child predators and what not, but where did we go wrong and make it this way? Without that little daily dose of exercise, children aren't getting the energy they need.

I used to always walk home from school. I used to love it ... my cat Sally would be sitting at the corner of my old street every day around 3:30 waiting for me to turn that bend, and then we would join each other in the walk back to our home. I obviously stopped doing it once i graduated high school and drove a car, and i miss it at times and i'm sure part of my weight gain has to do with that little missing piece. ( 20 pounds since graduating high school... are you kidding me?)

So for the last 6 weeks, i have now lost 7 pounds! How? I walk the endless miles on Tuesdays and Thursdays at school to my classes and back. That is the only thing i'm doing different, and i have a smaller size jean to prove it! To me this just shows what a big difference this could make on our children .... they need just that little bit more exercise to help. I know it's hard, the world can't be perfect. But we can't all go around killing our next generation of children with allowing them to sit in front of their computers all day either, can we?

Feeling Accomplished!

I've definitely been in a great mood lately :) I've been working only weekdays ( for some reason my manager has felt the need to give me weekends off... who am i to complain!) and school is tough, but it's so much nicer taking classes that i actually am interested in, rather than those wonderful GE requirements we all have to take.

My Linguistics is a killer.... it's a lot of reading but it's interesting learning how infants learn their language skills and how ESL speakers deal with their issues of speech. I had my first " I really am in college now" experience too! My Comic Spirit teacher decided to bring his Rum bottle to class last Thursday and take a swig of it while teaching. Now mind you... that probably is 100% wrong and i'm sure the Faculty wouldn't be happy if they knew, but it was HILARIOUS. It got me to wake up and listen... which is always a plus. My other classes are okay, just a lot of short story reading and comparing ideas. I'm reading about 3 hours a day of homework. The life of an English Major. ( Sorry Harry Potter, your going to be ignored for a very long time until i decide to like books again)

I went out with one of my bridesmaids ( Amanda!) on Sat. and we went bridesmaid dress shopping :) I've been stressing myself out to much by looking at things online : i've been filling my brain with to many ideas and i've become overwhelmed. But once we went into a store, 5 dresses later I picked one. I've learned i need to just go look at things and quit researching as much as I have been. The dresses are gorgeous and i'm excited to see all of my girls in them looking amazing ! Only 9 more months to go till the wedding.... now onto save the dates, finding a DJ, an Officiant, and a florist. Any recommendations?

A Change of Heart

Ok, normally i dislike Kanye West. But this SNL video made me laugh and kind of like him a tad more .... this is just to funny. " OH HELLLL NO!"

Party Cake!

Process of planning a wedding summed up in a short video, haha.

RIP Disneyland Pass

Dear Disneyland Pass,

Oh, how we will miss you. For the past 6 years Kevin and I have had you. We've watched your price rise faster than the housing market, but we still stood by. We spent many days and nights at your park, being there for openings such as The Tower of Terror, Monsters Inc., Finding Nemo, and more. After seeing your price raised to the skyrocketing $359.00, we have decided to let you go. We shall miss you greatly. Kevin shall miss running into the trash cans on purpose, or kicking kids heads while trying to get through the traffic of OC teens and parents. I shall miss people watching and observing parents that bring their 2 month olds and then freak out when the child starts to cry on Pirates of the Carribean. But most of all, we'll miss the memories of our date nights together.

So until we win the lottery and can become passholders again.....

- Kevin and Christie

Vintage Sweet Peas

So i finally finished my mother's website! I took on this task during the summer and wanted to help my Mom out starting her new business. She makes vintage dresses, t-shirts, jackets and more for little girls out of vintage linens that she has found.

Vintage Sweet Peas

So go check it out if you can :) They are really cute to look at and if you know anyone that sells items like these or would be interested in them, pass along the link please ! Since we are new.... the word of mouth really helps.

A few of my favorite things

The reds in this wedding above are amazing. I'm trying to find bridesmaid dresses in this color, but it just feels so romantic and fun at the same time. Cake is a little to grandma-ish for me though, haha.




This wedding called out to me in a heartbeat. Kevin and I want to try to have a candy table, like the one featured in the above picture, and i love the theme of the seating cards. I have the most creative friends and i know i'm going to have so much fun making all these things with them and my mom. I'm definitely going to try and see how many diy projects i can do to save money. There is no harm in trying and i will feel so accomplished and i hope it will make the wedding more personal :) The colors in the above wedding are amazing too

photos courtesy of my new favorite website : www.stylemepretty.com

Starbucks has kidnapped my brain & sanity

So i'm 100% stuck. To be honest and get to the point, i hate my job. There was a time when i once loved working for Starbucks : i loved the culture of it, i loved those rainy days serving people coffee and laughing with my coworkers over our lives. I built so many great friendships when i use to live in Glendale at my old store, and it was an amazing job. Now, i've been with the company for 5+ years and i am struggling to stay sane. I'm not happy when i come home, sometimes i'm ready to cry because i'm sick of listening to people complaining about their lives and me holding most of the weight on my shifts. I feel bad for all the times Kevin has had to listen to me complaining and being upset.

But here's my problem and where I'm stuck and sucked in. I've been with the company for a LONG time, which means i'm getting paid pretty well for being only a shift lead. I get full time benefits for only working part time. I get stock. I get tips. I get amazing hours and the flexibility is amazing, i'm in control of it all. So how do i leave? I know once Kevin and I get married i can be put onto his benefits if i need to..... but that's not till next summer. I just am to comfortable and don't know how to leave. I guess this is the downside of being with a company so long , i'm to comfortable and am scared of having to go through the process of interviews and such again. But also, i can't find another part time job that will pay me decently and give me the hours i want ( since i'm at school currently).

I wish i would have gotten out of working for Starbucks a long time ago. I wouldn't be stuck in the vortex that i am now. Hm...

Wedding Site

So i finally posted some pictures of the LA Equestrian Center where Kevin and I will be getting married next June :) Like i said, it's at the LA Equestrian Center - Calamigos Ranch, in Burbank, CA. It's across the street from Pickwick for those of you who know where that is.


So here are the pictures from the last time i went there to check it out. Enjoy :)

Wedding Site

p.s. I'm so excited :)

Poor, Poor Brit

Dear Britney Spears,
I was semi looking forward to watching you prove yourself to everyone out there that
a) Dislikes you
b) Thinks your on drugs 24/7
c) Thinks your talent disappeared ( the little that there was)
d) Thinks you always lip-sync to your own music
e) Thinks you weren't sane anymore and you could never have a comeback


You failed. And wow, did you ever! At least she did a great job at failing miserably?

Ouch

So first i'll start with the good news. I really love school :) I started yesterday and i feel like i finally belong to a college ( Since now i'm at a REAL college! Like that reference Jesica?). I was able to see a lot of people that i knew and had fun having my classes with Shannon. Shannon's a coworker of mine who is also majoring in English Lit. / Education so we can take our classes together and help each other out. I'm taking 4 classes : Comparative World Lit., Ethnic Writers, Linguistics, and The Comic Spirit. I have a LOT of reading and writing to do, but it's what i get for being an English major, right? So in other words, it's going to be hard..... but i'm really happy at CSULB, it's beautiful there and i can't wait to meet more people and just have fun.

Ok.... now onto my FREAKING PAIN. Sorry, haha. I went to the dentist today. I've always liked going to the dentist, i've been lucky and have never had a cavity or worse. Two weeks ago i went, and i was told i had two cavities. So of course i was worried and expected the worse, just because i've never had anything happen with my teeth. So, today was my appointment for my fillings. In the middle of them and smelling that disgusting smell of my teeth being shaved down, my dentist realized that i didn't just have a cavity ..... i had a tooth that needed a root canal! So to make a long story short, i had 1/2 the root canal done today... and then i'm going back next wednesday to have it finished. But, next wednesday i also am getting my braces tightened for the first time.

So in other words, i'll be nice and high on meds next wednesday, so if you want to be amused, call me :)


Sorry, this turned more into a rant. But my mouth is throbbing currently and i needed to rant just a tad bit......

7th Grade Memories

My braces are killing me...... and i think that something is wrong with my right upper gum area because i can't even smile without cold air touching my gums and them starting to throb. Of course my mouth decided to have issues on a 4 day weekend for my dentist and orthodontist.

p.s. yes i have braces now. i used to have them back in the 7-8th grade, but i was " cool " and never wore my retainers. So now i've decided to get braces again before the wedding so i can feel confident about my smile again. 8 more months till they are off.....

My Way Of Escape

So, i've become completely obsessed with the one thing i've always made fun of. Harry Potter. During the summer i went to Arizona and i saw the 5th movie in the theater with my family. I had never read the books before, never seen any of the movies, and always thought that the people that obsessed their lives around this series of books and movies really had nothing else better to do. After seeing the movie, which was pretty darn good ( even though i was lost throughout the whole thing) and after seeing the stack of all the books sitting in my brothers room going un-used, i decided to give it a try. I needed something new to peak my interest before school started. So i began.....

Now in one month i've read 4 of the books, and i'm now beginning the 5th. Obviously, i'm happy. Haha. I now take back making fun of individuals who sat with their noses in these books for the last few years, although i still am scared of the people that actually take it as far to dress up as the characters. They started off short and fun, and now they are developing into major novels and it's amazing to see the transition that J.K. Rowling makes with them. Even though they are simply written, the connection that the reader gets to feel with Harry and the others is simply amazing and it's easy to get completely lost and forget about what's going on around you.

So now i've learned to try things before i really do decide that i've disliked them, because i've found something that has made my summer that much better. And obviously about 90% of you out there have already read these, but if you haven't, give the first book a try and see what happens. You never know :)

Quick Ketchup?

So i've started this blog again because i feel like i have so many special things coming up this year that i want to be able to share them with everyone. So welcome, once again :)

I get to start school next week at CSULB! It took me a while to become excitied over this, because my summer just seemed to be cut way to short. I wasn't able to spend as much time traveling or doing the things i wanted because of not being able to get out of work, but that's life i guess. I was able to travel to Arizona though for 5 days, and i enjoyed that time away. But now i'm fully prepared and excited :) GO BEACH! I have to admit it's also fun that Kevin went there and graduated. Now we can decorate our apartment with Long Beach stuff and it's fun.

And .... for the fun wedding update!! We have 10 months to go until June 29th, our wedding. Kevin and I picked out where it will be held ( Calamigos - The LA Equestrian Center in Burbank) and it felt like a big accomplishment to get that part done. And last month my mom and Crystal ( my maid of honor) and I went shopping for a wedding dress, and after the 5th one that i tried on, i found mine ! I felt like something was missing because it was so easy ..... but i guess i'm just simple like that :) Kevin keeps bugging me to see if i will one day give in to telling him what it looks like, but so far i haven't budged :)

So for now thats just a quick update, and there will be a bunch more to come!

and yes.... i know i spelled the word Ketchup as my title, i thought i'd be quirky with my beginning of becoming an English Major.... just pretend you laughed